Friday, March 5, 2010

The most useless person in the world me.  I admit it.  I recently had my speakers die a grim death on my desktop computer.  No music as I type, no youtube, I can't play movies, it's awful.  I will stay in this shattered state until someone comes to save me.  Oh, people have tried to help me, good people.  But all to no avail, because I have no idea what they are talking about. 

Do you have a flat screen monitor?  First check your monitor as a lot LCD monitors have basic speakers built in.  If not, then do you need 5.1 sound, i.e. do you need rear speakers?  This requires that the computer supports 5.1, which most desktop do and some high end laptops do.  If not, then you have a choice of either 2.1 (two desk speakers and a separate subwoofer) which will give more bass but needs extra cables lying around and cost more. Or basic stereo speakers which would be cheaper and neater. 
He's trying to talk to me, I just know it.

Here's what you have to do:

1) tell me what I need.  What size, what brand, what price.
2) tell me where to find it (Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Joe's "blow your speakers UP!" Electronics)
3) spell things phonetically so I sound like I actually know what I'm talking about. (Bose? What is that? Bossy? Like hose but with a "b"? I honestly do. not. know.) Since I can't pronounce it, I probably could not appreciate the intricacies of owning such a quality sound system and therefore should not buy it.
4) Write it out for me on a piece of paper with the right specs. detailed on it.  I will mime to the salesperson that I am deaf to avoid them asking me follow-up questions regarding my sound system needs.
5) Why would a deaf person want speakers?  This is the beauty of the whole harebrained scheme.  See, as I came into the shop embarrassed by my lack of of tech. savvy, a salesperson would risk embarrassment by asking such a question to a physically handicapped person (insert derisive laughter) - well played. 
6) stand there until salesperson hands me speakers and steers my arm towards the till with a slackjawed expression on my face.
7) purchase required speakers
8) purchase a green jack to connect to said speakers so that I know what at least one cord connecting to the computer is supposed to be for.
9)  wait for husband to come home and put it all together for me.
10) I am victorious!  I am woman hear me...well, actually hear me sound pretty ashamed of being a woman, a member of the human race, or anything.  But let's not listen to me; listen to some fine tunes on these brand-new speakers!  

Yes, I am that useless.  "A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice." - Bill Cosby. 

There's no such word as "ain't" Bill Cosby.  But other than that?  Point taken, Bill.  Point taken.