Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Not really a new post

I have insomnia and I thought this Facebook exchange was funny.  To be fair, I find rhyming words like "barbaric" with "hysteric" and "numeric" hysterically funny, too.  So you probably shouldn't be paying attention to me.  Actually, it's not so much an exchange as it is just me rambling to myself.  Although I do find terms like "computer whiz" funny.  He said "whiz."  *snicker*

I have insomnia.  I might have said that already.  I did say that already...like four sentences ago.  It was a long four sentences.  For me.  It was probably fine for you.  k, I need to stop talking now.  Also, I can't seem to resize this.  It's really hard to read...which is ironic because it's a Snip where I admit to being ├╝ber-lame with computers.  Now I just rhymed "ironic" with "I'm on it" which probably doesn't even rhyme but in my head I think it does.  Like when singers mispronounciate words to make them work in a song.



ETA:  spellcheck has just informed me that mispronounciate isn't even a real word.  Since when?  I've been saying that for years. 

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm pretty sure I can differentiate between being a Mom and becoming a Serial Killer.

I think my title needs work.

Clarification:  I don't want to become a serial killer.  First of all, that would require some sort of planning to even get to the "serial" stage.  Which as you probably can gather from the frequency of my Blog posts - that shit ain't going to happen.  

Maybe if I explain some things this wouldn't be so confusing and (more importantly) I wouldn't have cops knocking on my door intent on digging up the backyard.
 
A few days ago my oldest son lost his third tooth.  He's been slow at losing his teeth and it's been well over a year since I last saw one.  Husband and I were trying to remember how much money the Tooth Fairy normally gives.  I thought for the first tooth we gave $10 since it was the first.  The second one I think we gave $5.  Apparently teeth depreciate in value faster than a Dodge Caravan, because with two kids in the house with mouths full of baby teeth, Husband and I decided that we should move away from bills into Coin of the Realm.  In Canadian terms, that meant a paltry $2 (a toonie) was being offered up.

My husband volunteered to play the part of Tooth Fairy and came back to our bedroom looking successful, yet slightly confused, like a stockbroker with a new client (zing!)  Husband had the tooth pinched between two fingers and then offered it up to me:

"Here you go," he said, as if he wasn't sure if I'd want it, but knows he doesn't want it, so is going to pass-the-buck (tooth) to me. 

"Why would I want that?" I ask him.

"Don't you save these?"

"Um, no."

"Yes, you do.  Right here.  'My First Tooth.'  It says what's inside right on the box."   Husband takes off the lid of the box to confirm his victory.  Nestled inside is the incriminating tooth.

"That's for the first tooth.  I need that one."

"Why?"

There it was.  The question I never even asked myself.  Why did I need Baby's First Haircut clippings and why did I periodically go through my sons Baby Books and fudge information about what jarred baby food they first tried and when? 

Obviously it's all in case I'm asked the skill-testing question of Ultimate Motherhood:  "Did you save your children's first teeth in the requisite First Tooth boxes?" I can say: "yes, of course I did.  Here they are.  I held onto them for all these years just hoping someone would ask me about them.  Finally someone did.  Thank you."

"I'm not going to save every tooth,"  I reassured my husband.  "That's something a serial killer would do."

"Serial killers keep baby teeth?" Husband asked.

"No, but they keep trophies and sometimes that's like a ring from the victim, but a lot of times it's body parts."  I read Criminal Library.  I felt very authoritative on this matter. 

"Not even a serial killer would keep a full mouth of teeth."  Husband declared.

"What about mobsters?  They might knock all the teeth out and take them just to prevent the victim from being identified.  Plus, what about the Jeffrey Dahmer types?  They decapitate and keep the whole head.  With teeth."  I added, in case it wasn't totally obvious. 

"You're sick..."

"I'm not the one that's doing it!  That's what I'm trying to tell you!  I'm within the realms of socially acceptable behavior by keeping the first tooth.  To keep like twenty teeth strung on a necklace would make me criminally insane!  Plus, you offered that tooth to me!  You didn't mind me collecting them, but now that I point out how serial killerish that would be, you're suddenly saying how sick I am?!  What the hell, dude?!"

"Okay, sorry.   Sheesh...so I should just put this in the garbage then?"

"Please."

And that's the story of how I figured out that I'm merely a Mom and not a mass murderer after all.  Some people might question why I even need to try to figure shit like this out, but seriously?  It's good to know. 

Friday, March 5, 2010

The most useless person in the world

...is me.  I admit it.  I recently had my speakers die a grim death on my desktop computer.  No music as I type, no youtube, I can't play movies, it's awful.  I will stay in this shattered state until someone comes to save me.  Oh, people have tried to help me, good people.  But all to no avail, because I have no idea what they are talking about. 

Do you have a flat screen monitor?  First check your monitor as a lot LCD monitors have basic speakers built in.  If not, then do you need 5.1 sound, i.e. do you need rear speakers?  This requires that the computer supports 5.1, which most desktop do and some high end laptops do.  If not, then you have a choice of either 2.1 (two desk speakers and a separate subwoofer) which will give more bass but needs extra cables lying around and cost more. Or basic stereo speakers which would be cheaper and neater. 
 
He's trying to talk to me, I just know it.

Here's what you have to do:

1) tell me what I need.  What size, what brand, what price.
2) tell me where to find it (Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Joe's "blow your speakers UP!" Electronics)
3) spell things phonetically so I sound like I actually know what I'm talking about. (Bose? What is that? Bossy? Like hose but with a "b"? I honestly do. not. know.) Since I can't pronounce it, I probably could not appreciate the intricacies of owning such a quality sound system and therefore should not buy it.
4) Write it out for me on a piece of paper with the right specs. detailed on it.  I will mime to the salesperson that I am deaf to avoid them asking me follow-up questions regarding my sound system needs.
5) Why would a deaf person want speakers?  This is the beauty of the whole harebrained scheme.  See, as I came into the shop embarrassed by my lack of of tech. savvy, a salesperson would risk embarrassment by asking such a question to a physically handicapped person (insert derisive laughter) - well played. 
6) stand there until salesperson hands me speakers and steers my arm towards the till with a slackjawed expression on my face.
7) purchase required speakers
8) purchase a green jack to connect to said speakers so that I know what at least one cord connecting to the computer is supposed to be for.
9)  wait for husband to come home and put it all together for me.
10) I am victorious!  I am woman hear me...well, actually hear me sound pretty ashamed of being a woman, a member of the human race, or anything.  But let's not listen to me; listen to some fine tunes on these brand-new speakers!  

Yes, I am that useless.  "A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice." - Bill Cosby. 

There's no such word as "ain't" Bill Cosby.  But other than that?  Point taken, Bill.  Point taken. 

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I want a lesbian financial adviser...

Times are hard, life is tough, proverbs are rampant.

So I would really like a lesbian financial adviser to get me through it all.  Why a lesbian?  Because they are awesome and they tend to be rich.  Let's look at a few examples of great lesbians.  



 
Rosie O'Donnell 
Rosie O'Donnell


                         Wanda Sykes                      
 Wanda Sykes

Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres
Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres

                                                                                            Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey

And I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing.  None of these women are finanical advisers.  I know, that's why I said I needed a lesbian financial adviser.  But they all share a few common traits.  Noteably they are all actresses and talk-show hosts.  And I know you're going to say that Oprah Winfrey isn't even out of the closet yet.  I know, right?  It's like she's trying to make this difficult for me.

Why pick a lesbian for a financial adviser?  Because they are smart, honest and trustworthy.  No Goldman Sachs Lloyd Blankfein running around in $8000 suits (who do you think paid for that suit?  That's right, you did, smart invester.)

Instead I'd love the butch lesbian adviser, preferably one that looks like Christine Marinoni.  Basic hair, no make-up, totally a kick-ass environmental activist and engaged to the lovely Cynthia Nixon. And you know how when you see a lesbian couple and wonder who will wear the pantsuit for the wedding ceremony and who will wear the dress?  I totally think Cynthia will be in the dress and Christine in the pantsuit.  Just remember I called it.  Also, sometimes I think how pretty some lesbians really are, and which ones I would be attracted to if I didn't love wiener.  Invariably, I pick the Portia de Rossi lesbian, which means if I were to marry Portia de Rossi, I'd be the one in the pantsuit. 

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.